The Most Dangerous Word in Recovery

I ask audiences a lot: What's the most dangerous word in recovery?

I get a few decent answers, but I'm really after one in particular. I'll tell you what it is in a minute, but first I want you to think to a time when you were in the throes of an especially difficult experience. You were coping with trauma, suffering from a bout of depression, dealing with a breakup, overcoming another relapse -- what happened next?

People came out of the woodworks to offer their support, right? Everyone was suddenly an expert on how not to be a sad sack anymore. Therapists and counselors and family members and the co-worker who microwaves fish in the break room all had two cents and couldn't WAIT to pass along their wisdom.

And it all followed the same formula: JUST take your medication like you're supposed to; JUST go back to meetings; JUST tell your ex how you feel; JUST put down the pipe; JUST forgive yourself; JUST stop letting people walk all over you; JUST count your blessings because it could be worse.

So there it is. The most dangerous word is "just" -- as if overcoming our burdens is a matter of doing something we haven't thought to do before -- as if our guilt and shame are the result of our laziness or ignorance or lack of creativity. But we know better than these well-wishers, don't we?

Recovery can come to us, but it often takes time and reflection rather than brute effort, you see?

It really is okay not to oversimplify our recovery -- from trauma, from heartbreak, from addiction, from whatever. Why? Because when it turns out not to happen overnight or come as easily as you were told, you won't be surprised. You'll think, Of course! What I'm going through is complicated as hell and I don't deserve to feel guilty when "quick fixes" don't deliver.

So don't believe the hype. You're not doing anything wrong by not mustering the energy or interest to "just" do this or that for your recovery; instead, be patient, be teachable, and be yourself.